23 Things I've Learnt in 23 Years
I turned 23 less than two weeks ago and I’d been wanting to attempt writing this article since the week prior to my birthday. However, I didn’t feel ready for it because I feared I wasn’t wise enough. The time I spent making excuses and justifications on why I should not write it, were some of the most painful moments I experienced as a writer. My inner conscience would not stop nagging at me and I found myself unable to focus on other tasks. Thank God a wise friend came to my rescue by persuading me to just write it for myself. The writing experience was truly liberating and it’s always fun to see how far I’d been on my life journey.
Whilst most of the lessons I’ve learnt are subjective and personal, I believe that there might be a few that are universal. Who knows? I might make a difference in someone’s life. Just one person and that would be a joyous accomplishment. So, without further ado, here are 23 things I’ve learnt in 23 years:
1) The only effective way to lead is by example.
The saying, ‘The only person you can change is you,’ is very accurate. I realised that, when I stopped condemning others and be the change I wanted to see, I made myself and others so much happier. Our lives underwent positive transformations and I discovered that ‘show don’t tell’ was indeed the way.
2) Dare to end toxic friendships.
Last year, I was overwhelmed with guilt when I felt I had to end four toxic friendships with people who wanted to crush my hope and dreams, took me for granted by constantly taking advantage of me and who cyber-bullied me. I confronted some of these toxic friends and they told me that I was too sensitive and that I should have dealt with what happened more maturely. Luckily, I was blessed with an amazing confidante who persuaded me to sever the ties with those people. Really glad I listened to her because I was a hundred times happier and more confident as soon as I said goodbye to people I was better off without.
3) Even if millions of people tell you how much they believe in you, you won’t get anywhere if you don’t believe in yourself.
I learnt this the hard way by sabotaging myself when I should have believed in me the way so many amazing and misunderstood people did. I used to believe that when people told me they believed in me, they were just being nice or they felt sorry for me. The bumps and scrapes I accumulated throughout my journey eventually made me realise the importance of having self-confidence.
4) Never confuse confidence with cockiness.
When I was a little girl, I vowed not to be confident because I thought confident people were those loud and aggressive show-offs who crushed others to feel good about themselves. My perspective changed when I met phenomenal people who exuded positivity. They were empowered people who empower and they taught me the true meaning of self-confidence. From them I learnt to be comfortable in my own skin and to shine my way. Cocky people are actually insecure, and the difference between them and those who are confident is that confident people empower whilst cocky people envy. Put differently, confidence comes from within the soul whereas cockiness – paradoxically – comes from self-doubt.
5) Giving people the black look is an immature behaviour and it will not resolve anything.
I was quite an expert at the particular look when I was a teenager. Giving grown-ups who made me angry the black look was my favourite mental sport, and I felt so triumphant when I succeeded in making them feel frustrated, or in someone’s case, hated. Little did I realise that the mental sport led to numerous mental blocks. I lost so many learning opportunities and I ascertained that by not expressing my feelings in more productive ways, I hurt myself. Really thankful to the awesome angels who changed my life by teaching me how to deal with negative feelings more effectively.
6) Just do it and say it because life is too short.
If you want to be friends with someone who you think is really cool or have something heartfelt you’d like to say to a person you adore, just do it or say it. Don’t hold back. Rejection is nothing more than a no and that’s the worst thing that could ever happen. You might surprise yourself for all it’s worth if you decide to be brave. My experiences led me to discover that when I dared to express myself, I might get more than I could ever imagine. Strive to live life with no regrets.
7) Just because people don’t express love the way you understand and expect, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
I used to believe that those who didn’t attend to my emotional needs did not and would not love me. My experiences have opened my eyes to the fact that because we’re all unique, we show and receive love differently.
8) Be more receptive to advice and guidance.
I was notorious for my stubbornness when I was younger. Yeah, stubbornness was like my signature dish. Joke—well—not really. It’s true. At times I viewed those who genuinely wanted to help me as pushy, overbearing or manipulative. Consequently, I experienced quite a lot of those ‘I should have listened *sobs*’ moments time and again, till I eventually learnt that being stubborn was not always helpful.
9) Your first impressions of others are not always reliable.
I ended up having deep and meaningful connections with those I thought I wouldn’t be friends with when I first met them. Indeed, I made the mistake of judging people without really knowing them and I learnt from my mistake.
10) You don’t have to fit in because those who love you adore you just the way you are.
Relax. Be natural. Be you. Don’t try so hard. It’s never worth it. When I started secondary school, I desperately wanted to fit in, impress and make more friends. Because of that, I forced myself to listen to music I disliked and have conversations about things that didn’t matter to me. After six months of doing that, I eventually realised that my actions were pointless and how much better it felt to be myself. I have not repeated the same mistake since, and consequently, I’ve befriended people who love me for the mere reason that I am Ashley.
11) See the good in people.
When I feel sad or stressed, I think of people I’ve known in my life and their amazing qualities. It’s therapeutic and energising because those positive thoughts fill me with positive energy.
12) Those who allow themselves to cry are stronger than those who don’t.
Tears have healing energy and if you bury or repress your feelings, those feelings will turn into monsters and rear their ugly heads in moments you don’t expect.
13) Sometimes people say things they don’t actually mean.
For example, ‘You are so stupid. Why can’t you learn?’ means ‘I am so impatient. Why can’t I teach?’ and ‘You are so unimaginative,’ means ‘I am unimaginative and you seem so too. I mean, please be so because I can’t be the only unimaginative person I know, can I?’ or something to that effect.
14) Asking for help is not as scary as you think.
‘OK, I’m going to try not to be scared and shy now because I need help. Guess what, I’m just going to count to three and then do it. One, two, three. Come on Ashley. Wait, maybe not. I’ll just wait till someone approach me,’ was the entire mental process I went through before I learnt that smile was the mysterious key I’d been searching for all my life – the key that unlocked my courage to ask for help. Smile, relax, ask. Easy!
15) Don’t speculate others’ thoughts about you.
Imagine how surprised and guilty I felt when I discovered that those I assumed to have thought, ‘I don’t like Ashley. She’s so annoying,’ and ‘Ashley is such a bore,’ told me that they adored me and that they had never felt bored every single moment they were with me! The irony was that I had always believed that they thought negatively of me! Lesson learnt.
16) Sometimes, it’s OK to be vulnerable and you shouldn’t push those who care about you away.
I used to put up layers upon layers of walls between myself and others for fear of being hurt and I tended to push people away. I believed that people would eventually stop loving me when they uncovered my flaws. It took me a long time to learn to trust. I made mistakes. I hurt myself and others throughout the journey but I learnt so much. I realised that there were people who loved me unconditionally and that instead of taking them for granted by pushing them away, I should accept them for who they were the way they accepted me for who I was. I am now committed to making them feel loved and appreciated.
17) You are a work of art.
Some people like you because you are special and some don’t for exactly the same reason.
18) Aim high for the journey, not the result.
I used to be terrified of aiming too high for fear of failure and disappointment, so I stopped aiming high altogether. Before long, I felt crushed and disillusioned. I knew then that I had to change my mind-set so I told myself that even if I could not achieve the goals I set myself, I would achieve what I undoubtedly would not have done without aiming high. And I accomplished great things!
19) Respect people of all ages, not just your elders.
Pretty much self-explanatory I’d think.
20) Respect and fear are as different as a duvet and a volcanic eruption.
I felt liberated when I discovered that I did not respect those I fear and did not fear those I respected.
21) Stop being nasty to yourself.
Stop saying things like ‘You’re ugly,’ ‘You’re a bad person’ or ‘You’re useless’ to yourself. Why say them to yourself if you don’t like it when others say them to you?
22) It’s wiser to prove those who believe in you right than those who don’t wrong.
I used to be victimised and manipulated by people who wanted me to prove them wrong. I fell into their traps when they wanted me to achieve something for them instead of for myself. Most of them thought they did the right thing and that making others prove them wrong was a way to motivate, but in truth they were promoting co-dependency. I realised that when I stopped proving them wrong and started proving myself and those who believed in me right, I accomplished much more and I started experiencing the joy derived from truly accomplishing things, which I never knew before.
23) You are capable of not being mean when you are angry.
My past experiences made me realise that when people who were angry with me decided to be cruel to me, I wouldn’t learn because I felt hated. For a long time, I believed that people hated me when they were angry with me, till someone showed me that it didn’t have to be the case. I applied what I learnt and I discovered that it made a huge difference when I made a conscious effort to be in control when I was angry. It’s possible to be angry and still be loving and kind. Don’t be caught up in your own rage. It wouldn’t help anyone at all and it certainly wouldn’t resolve any of the issues and conflicts encountered.
Whilst most of the lessons I’ve learnt are subjective and personal, I believe that there might be a few that are universal. Who knows? I might make a difference in someone’s life. Just one person and that would be a joyous accomplishment. So, without further ado, here are 23 things I’ve learnt in 23 years:
1) The only effective way to lead is by example.
The saying, ‘The only person you can change is you,’ is very accurate. I realised that, when I stopped condemning others and be the change I wanted to see, I made myself and others so much happier. Our lives underwent positive transformations and I discovered that ‘show don’t tell’ was indeed the way.
2) Dare to end toxic friendships.
Last year, I was overwhelmed with guilt when I felt I had to end four toxic friendships with people who wanted to crush my hope and dreams, took me for granted by constantly taking advantage of me and who cyber-bullied me. I confronted some of these toxic friends and they told me that I was too sensitive and that I should have dealt with what happened more maturely. Luckily, I was blessed with an amazing confidante who persuaded me to sever the ties with those people. Really glad I listened to her because I was a hundred times happier and more confident as soon as I said goodbye to people I was better off without.
3) Even if millions of people tell you how much they believe in you, you won’t get anywhere if you don’t believe in yourself.
I learnt this the hard way by sabotaging myself when I should have believed in me the way so many amazing and misunderstood people did. I used to believe that when people told me they believed in me, they were just being nice or they felt sorry for me. The bumps and scrapes I accumulated throughout my journey eventually made me realise the importance of having self-confidence.
4) Never confuse confidence with cockiness.
When I was a little girl, I vowed not to be confident because I thought confident people were those loud and aggressive show-offs who crushed others to feel good about themselves. My perspective changed when I met phenomenal people who exuded positivity. They were empowered people who empower and they taught me the true meaning of self-confidence. From them I learnt to be comfortable in my own skin and to shine my way. Cocky people are actually insecure, and the difference between them and those who are confident is that confident people empower whilst cocky people envy. Put differently, confidence comes from within the soul whereas cockiness – paradoxically – comes from self-doubt.
5) Giving people the black look is an immature behaviour and it will not resolve anything.
I was quite an expert at the particular look when I was a teenager. Giving grown-ups who made me angry the black look was my favourite mental sport, and I felt so triumphant when I succeeded in making them feel frustrated, or in someone’s case, hated. Little did I realise that the mental sport led to numerous mental blocks. I lost so many learning opportunities and I ascertained that by not expressing my feelings in more productive ways, I hurt myself. Really thankful to the awesome angels who changed my life by teaching me how to deal with negative feelings more effectively.
6) Just do it and say it because life is too short.
If you want to be friends with someone who you think is really cool or have something heartfelt you’d like to say to a person you adore, just do it or say it. Don’t hold back. Rejection is nothing more than a no and that’s the worst thing that could ever happen. You might surprise yourself for all it’s worth if you decide to be brave. My experiences led me to discover that when I dared to express myself, I might get more than I could ever imagine. Strive to live life with no regrets.
7) Just because people don’t express love the way you understand and expect, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
I used to believe that those who didn’t attend to my emotional needs did not and would not love me. My experiences have opened my eyes to the fact that because we’re all unique, we show and receive love differently.
8) Be more receptive to advice and guidance.
I was notorious for my stubbornness when I was younger. Yeah, stubbornness was like my signature dish. Joke—well—not really. It’s true. At times I viewed those who genuinely wanted to help me as pushy, overbearing or manipulative. Consequently, I experienced quite a lot of those ‘I should have listened *sobs*’ moments time and again, till I eventually learnt that being stubborn was not always helpful.
9) Your first impressions of others are not always reliable.
I ended up having deep and meaningful connections with those I thought I wouldn’t be friends with when I first met them. Indeed, I made the mistake of judging people without really knowing them and I learnt from my mistake.
10) You don’t have to fit in because those who love you adore you just the way you are.
Relax. Be natural. Be you. Don’t try so hard. It’s never worth it. When I started secondary school, I desperately wanted to fit in, impress and make more friends. Because of that, I forced myself to listen to music I disliked and have conversations about things that didn’t matter to me. After six months of doing that, I eventually realised that my actions were pointless and how much better it felt to be myself. I have not repeated the same mistake since, and consequently, I’ve befriended people who love me for the mere reason that I am Ashley.
11) See the good in people.
When I feel sad or stressed, I think of people I’ve known in my life and their amazing qualities. It’s therapeutic and energising because those positive thoughts fill me with positive energy.
12) Those who allow themselves to cry are stronger than those who don’t.
Tears have healing energy and if you bury or repress your feelings, those feelings will turn into monsters and rear their ugly heads in moments you don’t expect.
13) Sometimes people say things they don’t actually mean.
For example, ‘You are so stupid. Why can’t you learn?’ means ‘I am so impatient. Why can’t I teach?’ and ‘You are so unimaginative,’ means ‘I am unimaginative and you seem so too. I mean, please be so because I can’t be the only unimaginative person I know, can I?’ or something to that effect.
14) Asking for help is not as scary as you think.
‘OK, I’m going to try not to be scared and shy now because I need help. Guess what, I’m just going to count to three and then do it. One, two, three. Come on Ashley. Wait, maybe not. I’ll just wait till someone approach me,’ was the entire mental process I went through before I learnt that smile was the mysterious key I’d been searching for all my life – the key that unlocked my courage to ask for help. Smile, relax, ask. Easy!
15) Don’t speculate others’ thoughts about you.
Imagine how surprised and guilty I felt when I discovered that those I assumed to have thought, ‘I don’t like Ashley. She’s so annoying,’ and ‘Ashley is such a bore,’ told me that they adored me and that they had never felt bored every single moment they were with me! The irony was that I had always believed that they thought negatively of me! Lesson learnt.
16) Sometimes, it’s OK to be vulnerable and you shouldn’t push those who care about you away.
I used to put up layers upon layers of walls between myself and others for fear of being hurt and I tended to push people away. I believed that people would eventually stop loving me when they uncovered my flaws. It took me a long time to learn to trust. I made mistakes. I hurt myself and others throughout the journey but I learnt so much. I realised that there were people who loved me unconditionally and that instead of taking them for granted by pushing them away, I should accept them for who they were the way they accepted me for who I was. I am now committed to making them feel loved and appreciated.
17) You are a work of art.
Some people like you because you are special and some don’t for exactly the same reason.
18) Aim high for the journey, not the result.
I used to be terrified of aiming too high for fear of failure and disappointment, so I stopped aiming high altogether. Before long, I felt crushed and disillusioned. I knew then that I had to change my mind-set so I told myself that even if I could not achieve the goals I set myself, I would achieve what I undoubtedly would not have done without aiming high. And I accomplished great things!
19) Respect people of all ages, not just your elders.
Pretty much self-explanatory I’d think.
20) Respect and fear are as different as a duvet and a volcanic eruption.
I felt liberated when I discovered that I did not respect those I fear and did not fear those I respected.
21) Stop being nasty to yourself.
Stop saying things like ‘You’re ugly,’ ‘You’re a bad person’ or ‘You’re useless’ to yourself. Why say them to yourself if you don’t like it when others say them to you?
22) It’s wiser to prove those who believe in you right than those who don’t wrong.
I used to be victimised and manipulated by people who wanted me to prove them wrong. I fell into their traps when they wanted me to achieve something for them instead of for myself. Most of them thought they did the right thing and that making others prove them wrong was a way to motivate, but in truth they were promoting co-dependency. I realised that when I stopped proving them wrong and started proving myself and those who believed in me right, I accomplished much more and I started experiencing the joy derived from truly accomplishing things, which I never knew before.
23) You are capable of not being mean when you are angry.
My past experiences made me realise that when people who were angry with me decided to be cruel to me, I wouldn’t learn because I felt hated. For a long time, I believed that people hated me when they were angry with me, till someone showed me that it didn’t have to be the case. I applied what I learnt and I discovered that it made a huge difference when I made a conscious effort to be in control when I was angry. It’s possible to be angry and still be loving and kind. Don’t be caught up in your own rage. It wouldn’t help anyone at all and it certainly wouldn’t resolve any of the issues and conflicts encountered.
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