Reflection on My Blogging Process and Changes to My Posting Schedule

When Making Lists Started Making Me Listless

   As I briefly shared in my last post, a review of a Chinese restaurant I went to, several days ago I felt stuck and therefore, really stressed. Recently, I learnt that there were two main ways I could view stress: I could see it as a red light, a sign that I’d outgrown certain thought patterns and behaviours, or as a mentor who believed in all my potentials to the point of constantly pushing me out of my comfort zone to help me discover aspects of myself previously unknown to me. Despite feeling utterly stuck a few days prior, however hard I tried, I did not see this particular stress instance as a red light – it was as if there was a book of giving up, in which people who should give up on their goals were listed, and my name was just not there! I was understandably sceptical about the whole woo-woo-sounding visualisation thing, so I decided to use the rational approach of mentally listing the benefits of my giving up on my full-time blogging pursuit … wait dear me no, I didn’t make that decision, not initially. I just realised that as I was writing the previous sentences, my mind filtered out something. That something was a list I made, of thirty goals I hoped to accomplish before turning thirty. It did not take me long at all to produce the list, but amazingly enough the sense of triumph I expected did not come. Quite the contrary. I ended up feeling hollow and crushed, my internal tower of strength toppling (hence the subheading added upon pondering). Indeed, listless was the feeling. This was unusual though. I was a daydreamer. Dreaming up goals had always fuelled and empowered me. Why didn’t it work this time? As I ruminated on what I then saw as my utter failure as a human being (but, surprise surprise, one who mustn’t give up on her dream of becoming a full-time blogger with a monetised blog yet), the question that kept whirling in my mind was, ‘Is a career as a full-time blogger sustainable?’ Then again, my mind instructed me to reflect upon that question, though giving up, as highlighted, was out of the question (pardon the pun). You might have guessed it right – those mixed messages were definitely headache-inducing. What about the list I mentioned, of the benefits of giving up on blogging? My, exactly, listless mind refused point-blank to cooperate on that! The lack of cooperation from my rebellious mind was not something new. Take last week for instance. I had planned to write a short story about a teenager whose mother is a cult-like self-help guru (yes cult-like can be used on a single individual, not just a group or organisation), because I had been intrigued by the term ‘thought-terminating cliches’ and how those phrases were used to serve their users and silence others, ever since I read Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism by the linguist Amanda Montell over a month ago. I could not be more motivated when I started drafting my short story, though a day later, my drive vanished, rendering me directionless, just like that! Just like … that? Come on procrastination, it’s time for you and me to face it, to own up together!

When I Terminated My Own Thoughts Using Procrastinating Cliches

   After watching a few random videos on the day my motivation vanished, my sweet old pal procrastination led me to decide that:

·       I needed to forget that short story for now and write a poem. But hold on:

·       Before writing one, I needed to understand that, since I didn’t read enough poetry collections this year, reading a collection before I wrote that poem might refresh my mind, so that:

·       I could feel confident writing that poem which should in turn give me the confidence to get back to that short story, but then:

·       Maybe that short story needed more research. To that end:

·       I should read Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty, since one of the protagonists is a cult-like wellness guru and that:

·       I didn’t have to finish the entire book before I get back to my short story. I could read the rest during my regular 5pm-8pm and 11.11pm-11.45pm reading sessions and spend the rest of the time completing my short story by Wednesday 23 Aug, or actually:

·       I’d just finish the book after all and embark on a short story writing marathon, temporarily sacrificing my reading sessions.

And the list went on and on – you get the picture. Before I knew it, I had not written a single word for days! Indeed, I had screwed up. What could I possibly post on Wednesday, now that I knew I could not possibly complete the short story on time? That was where the list of thirty things I hoped to achieve before thirty came in. or rather, was supposed to come in, because as I mentioned, writing that list, instead of rejuvenating me with hope, made me completely listless, leading me to make more and more and more thought-terminating-cliched excuses that caused me to flee from the present – thankfully not for long.

When I Decided to Change My Posting Schedule

   As I sat down and wrote a reflective essay exploring why I procrastinated when I really, really wanted to write my short story, the solution that would hopefully get me unstuck, changing my posting schedule, suddenly crossed my mind. In retrospect I discovered that writing a reflection could be a therapeutic thought association game, a truly insightful one no less. My reflection helped me realise that in order to strengthen my writing muscles and ease the process of getting my blog approved for monetisation, I needed to be more productive and more flexible at the same time. Because there were only 21 posts on my blog (this one excluded), it would take me a while to reach thirty if I wrote eight posts a month, new posts every Wednesday and Saturday. That just wouldn’t do. In fact, a few weeks prior, when I began my journey of posting regularly, my mum did suggest that instead of two posts per week, I should aim for three. I could not take the suggestion at the time. My limiting beliefs, to borrow an NLP term, prevented me (and incidentally, my limiting belief about limiting beliefs used to be that the term was only used by self-help gurus. Now I found that it was quite a handy term to discuss self-sabotaging thoughts). Some of my limiting beliefs were:

·       ’Three posts weekly? No. My readers would definitely be overwhelmed.’

·       ‘I’m not that good of a writer. If I strive to produce too many posts in a short span of time, those posts would all be error-strewn rubbish (pun half-intended – yup, only half).’

·       ‘Others would be bored to tears by my writing and beg me to leave them alone.’

·       ‘So many of my posts would get only one reader or worse, no reader at all.’

·       ‘Posting that frequently would only cheapen the quality of my writing.’

That last one in particular… How much further could it be from the truth indeed? Duh! I am so glad I’ve managed to recognise so many self-sabotaging beliefs which have prevented me from flourishing as a writer, all thanks to that reflection originally intended to explore why I procrastinated when I attempted to write my short story. I have also understood that, by posting only on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I would end up continuously posting for the sake of posting, which would not help me live in accordance with one of my core values, authenticity. Furthermore, it is always hard to predict how long it would take to complete a blog post – sometimes it would take me an hour to finish one and other times, three or four days. My experiences have certainly taught me that, because I have found myself procrastinating both when I’ve completed a post earlier than expected and when I’ve realised, horror upon horror, that I might not be able to finish writing one on time after all. Intentionally suppressing my productivity by not writing as much as I can have also shrunk my self-confidence, causing my voice to slowly disappear. Now that I have learnt from my experiences, I am sure that posting three or four times a week without setting limits as to which days I should and shouldn’t post, as stated in my updated ‘About Self-Ashtualisation’ page, will be growth-fostering, not the other way round. Hope has started returning, and I could not be more excited and motivated to continue my blogging journey 💖